Perhaps, I Am Too Good At Being Alone

I woke up at 2.20 am this morning after a long tiring moment between the world I am living in and the dream world I am trying to reach. Not because I am hoping to dream of something or someone, but to reach out to serenity. But perhaps yeah...a dream about my tall handsome love of my life would be nice. 

Then I started my monolog with The Divine One. I did my night pray. Because it is said, during this time of the day, Allah will open His heaven's door. All I have to do is pray and my wishes will fly into an open sky. Literally because I have no idea where do all the prayers go, is it going up or down?

I believe there is no such thing as coincidence. But how do I suppose to manage my life without understanding it? Without having any control on what will happen next nor predicting what might go wrong? Sometimes I really want to cry outloud because the world treats me differently then others. That some women were just getting her way so easily, they can always get their knight in shining armour and be protected like having her own guardian angels. While at the same time, I have to work really hard to get to where I am sitting right now, sweating and bleeding from head to toe. I have to proof myself over and over from time to time just to find a solid ground to walk on.

I am tired of years of begging to banks to get a lower interest rate for my mortgage. I am tired of playing a real life drama as an opposite character than who I am, an INFJ, a pure introvert. But this society pushes me into playing a role as an extrovert. And since I know I have no other choice, so I played along. Do you have any idea how hard it is to train your mind to accept that? It is like an OCD person who are scared of germs pushes himself to shake hands all day long. Do you have any idea how much it hurts to think that perhaps I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough to be loved as the real me?

Perhaps, Allah wants me to understand that I have overused my happiness quota. That all I have left in this world is my responsibility to take care of my family which eventually will lead me into another kind of happiness. Not the kind of happiness that will take me to the moon and back, but the happiness to surrender yourself to your call. And be happy with that. But then, why do I bother to dragged myself to do the night pray and talked and begged Him to let me be happy with my soulmate for the rest of my life? That, I don't know. Perhaps I am too good at being alone that I am so used to do a lot of monologue with myself. Praying for him and calling his name has became some sort of sacred traditional that I couldn't stop. 

The truth is, I don't want to be alone. If I can 3D print the person that I love, I will. I know he will takes a lot of space but I love him. Why do I fall in love with this guy, who doesn't bother to wait for me, fulfill his promises and busy like a bee? Perhaps that is because I don't know any other guy who had done better than him. Perhaps, I have been keeping myself, inside out, mentally and physically for him? I consider myself lucky since I still have my sanity in tact after all these real life drama. Is it his love that keeps me going or my own delusion?

Sometimes I feel like I am Odysseus. That there were a stupid raging hormone God with a super ego cursed me to travel my journey without hope to reached home. But the different is Odysseus understood his mistakes and fought the proof he could break the curse. I'm on the other hand, don't. If this is what I have to pay for making all those exs suffered from broken heart, I think I have walked long and hard journey to pay for my sins. And they were not the greatest boyfriends too, so I don't think so. And for my ex husband? He is happily married to the woman of his choice.

I don't want to be a gladiator. I want to be a princess just like my first name. I want to meet or be with my prince charming and travel all over the world, taking lots of pictures that those IG guys will send me notifications telling me that they will pay me with so much money as their endorser. I will laugh myself out and said,"I have the best most handsome guy who can afford my life style, so don't bother. But thank you for the offer".

It is 3.19am now and I have to work today, so it is time to go back to reality.

Bye for now.