Minus Plus One

Being a single mother isn't the picture perfect life you can find in those urban design magazines. It seems like a picturesque life when you saw my social media status but what you see is not always what you get.

It is the aftermath that always makes my heart bleeds a thousand times. A single mother is an awkward position. The society loves to label us as a blood thirst slutty whore that are ready to jump up into someone's husband lap. That is why I wrote this blog so everybody who read this will hear my side of the story.

No, we are not a bad villain. Some of us probably are, but you cannot just stamp those accusations on all of us. At least in my case, i am very busy juggling between house and work, playing mommy and daddy at the same time.

You see, there are times that I went on a trip with my friends or colleagues. And as usual, I am very much single. Meaning, I have to drag my own suitcase. Checking in on the airline's counter and preparing every little things to make sure that I have my passport ready, immigration forms filled blablabla. Then when I get inside the airport, I start running like Full Marathon athlete buying chocolates for my daughter because that will make her happy. Then inside the plane, I have to reach out tip toeing to put all those shopping bags and my travel bag because the rack cabin is too high for my height.

During the whole process, nobody I MEAN NOBODY is giving me a helping hand. Those men are treating like: 1) you are not a good looking hottie; 2) you are an adult; 3) you are use to do things on your own, so why bother; 4) you are an independent woman, so I respect your privacy; 5) you are not considered as a friend with benefit or a woman who married to a successful powerful man.

Being on a trip is always a happy sad situation. The happy part doesn't need further details because we all know how it works. One of the most heart wrenching situation is when I have to ask someone else to take my picture just because I couldn't take any nice looking selfie with my big head blocking the scenery. And they took it as part of friendship courtesy, when even a total stranger can do a better job, with a smile in his face. I wish I have an IG husband. 

Perhaps that is why most of my senior single mothers are so fierce, because even the slightest gesture from your opponent can hurt you, especially when you have an elephant heart like mine. You will always remember the pain. So I have to pretend that my heart is made of steel. 

It is so different with the way they treat the other woman (married woman), they walk side by side, they take her pictures without making any sour face and showing so much patience when she starts complaining. As if it is much safer to be closed to a married woman than to a single mother. As if I have a plague or something. Darling...single life is not contagious.

So how can I be considered as a black widow when I couldn't even talk to men unless when we are together in a group? As if they are afraid that the wife will jump out of their mobile screen because the husband is having a conversation with a blood sucking widow. The nearest decent intimate conversation that I can get is when I talk about my job, my projects or in the middle of a presentation or a meeting. Suddenly we were transported to Switzerland. Neutral zone. A place where adultery is a common meeting room joke and no harm done.

So I have to accept my place in the corner, with  a fake smile plastered on my face while my heart were bleeding and hide my teary eyes because I feel so lonely. Have you ever imagine the feeling of having no one to talk to, to laugh with, to appreciate what you have been done? And then when you thought that you finally have a chance to be yourself again, you just realized that nothing has changed?

It is so damn hard. It is like being force to stay and be happy in the deepest darkest well. So stop saying that a husbandless woman is a bitch due to their suppressed needs. You are the reasons of why am I getting more and more bitter every steps of the way.

But the good news is that we're going to be OK..
Smile and let's just say...
The good news is on the way.
But for the time being, pray for me (it's free!) that I have enough patience and courage to keep on going no matter how bitter life can treat me. Or how bitter I can be towards life.