POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DIVORCEE

Being a divorcee, is just like having a PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

You think that you are OK, but apparently you are not. You are still fighthing inside your mind, bleeding internally that even the most powerful suction cannot suck them up. You just have to fight it or you let yourself drown in your own fear, madness, anger.

My ex has been married for a year with the same woman that he cheated on me years ago. I thought that he should live a very happy life. He is getting married to someone he fell in love with, he left me and his daughter with nothing to hold on to, and now they both live kids free. Both daughters from both side went to the other side.

But, he didn't stop there. Nope. He is still complaining about not getting enough chance to meet his daughter. And since my daughter has become a young adult, he starts to use the same tricks. Guilt Trip. Yes, he is guilt tripping his own daughter. If he even bother to listen or to revisit the days when he was still in high school, he should've known that his daughter is fighting for her future. No school means no future, no future means no dreams come true. That is a very simple equation. No one is abandoning him, she is just need to focus on her study.

OK, I think I am over him. He is just a flat tire that has been change with my spare tire. But, the rest of the world was mad, really mad at him. And they threw him imaginary punches, they cursed him and blew it into thin air. But who gets to listen to all those craps? I do. In the name of solidarity. In the name of love.

All I want to do is to get as busy as I can, work my ass off and get home really tired so I don't have time to feel self pity. Because I know, I need a hug. A really big, huge, air tight hugs. From a man that I love. A man who is so busy that I will consider myself lucky if he remembers my name. But he is the love of my life. He is my O2.

He is my sunshine. He texts my daughter if I asked him to, on her birthday, graduation day. He will check on the people I sent to him for free. He will turn the world upside down for me, as long as I don't ask about the status of our relationship or remind him that he promised to take me to Europe. He gets to say that our theme song would be "Endless Love" (he is old...really old. But I adore him like there is no tomorrow). He is like the sweetest, warmest person in the whole wide world. But never ever he spend his time with me.

I thought I will always be fine with it. Me, a career woman, who is so busy climbing up the corporate ladder. Who want a husband just to get myself washing his dirty laundry? But then, just like a PTSD patient, I woke up in the middle of the night, calling his name, asking God if it is because I have big butt, excess fat here an there, not smart enough because he is practically a genius? I need him to hug me, BIG TIME! I need to feel someone's warm skin against mine, not because my biological clock is tickling after more than 10 years, but because I need to feel a flesh and blood male loving me.

I am in the middle of a cross road. It is not easy to deal with someone from your past haunting you like a really ugly ghost flying or jumping behind your back. Nor try to move forward but you couldn't because the love of your life are too busy playing chief or being a grandad? I have never asked him to be non grandad, I would love to be a grandma. Being a grandma is great. You can have the babies that you can never have anymore, but when you get tired of them, you can always hand them over to their mommies, or the nannies. I can still be a hot mommy since I am still considered young for those people in their 50s.

That is all I have, for now.